From The Vault.

Today’s post is from the vault, posted exactly 14 years ago. It’s been edited for clarity and relevancy, but it’s deeply meaningful – and a quick read, so it’s totally worth the time. I hope it resonates with you like it does with me!

I have to be real honest, y’all. I’ve learned quite a bit about myself over the years, so it’s not a real surprise to note how cyclical life is.

Or to note that the song of my heart always circles back around to the theme of surrender. Because I know just how deep my stubborn goes, friends. I’m well aware that surrender is the very act that uproots the bitter stalks of stubborn pride.

And just as aware that the internal struggle to surrender is a tough one.

There’s a worship song from years ago that includes the prayer ‘Lord, break my heart of the things that break Your heart.’ I can’t even begin to count the times that simple line has been spoken through clenched teeth in late-night, all-alone, end-of-my-rope prayers of desperation.

Prayers when I didn’t understand the direction of my life. When the frustration of misplaced focus, broken dreams, or ruined plans threatened to overwhelm me.

When I got to my own wit’s end.

It still echoes in my heart, a reminder when my own ways become too important to me, and my plans start to overrule faith and trust in Him. More than anything, I want to be a vessel of honor, a funnel for Jesus to pour His Spirit through, even though I fully recognize that this requires what could essentially be considered a complete purging of my inner carcass on a daily basis.

See, I’m not always open and vulnerable to His hands being buried in my heart, weeding out the things I’ve planted. My prayers can get stuck in selfish requests or daily grind things, miles away from those sprouts of negativity. It’s so much easier to focus on goodness and mercy following me around as I twirl through picturesque mountains and sing the operatic scales, and I don’t know, feeding me frozen grapes, than it is to dive deep into ME and willingly expose things that cause Jesus disappointment.

But those mountaintops are only part of the journey, even though the frozen grapes would absolutely not be a bad gig. There are also valleys, deep, dark times that I’m not strong enough to handle if I’m filled with negativity and sin.

And the only way to connect to His strength is to clear out the things in me that stand in the way. To give my heart to Him to be gracefully broken and lovingly refashioned so that I can be closer to His calling every single day.

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